Unfolding Now

It has been  a few months since I have written.  There is a part of me that wants to share some story of a journey through insight and hope. I think I feel some embarrassment that I don’t have that to offer up.   But that has not been my story these last few months and all I have to offer is a more humble truth.

The first eight or nine months I was in a deep grief.  I am struck that it is a time line of a birth but what I was doing didn’t have the happy anticipation of birth.  Like birth I was letting my body and heart do what was needed and that seemed to be to mourn my beloved husband and the life we had created.

 But what came after that deep grief wasn’t the light coming through clouds or any of those sort of beautiful images one has after a storm.  No my experience has been more of a gray mist.  As though the storm had churned me and where I found myself has been one of a thin veil of depression.  I say a thin veil because I wasn’t taken over by the depression but it seemed to lie on my body.  I still am learning how to be with it.
The grief had moved through me and led to a sweetness of having loved.  Difficult as it was, there was a movement to it and a release.  When I try to stay present to depressionI get caught by it.  As though even the awareness of it causes me to get wrapped up in it, even without the story of where it started.  In a personal session I inquired how to be with this experience.  I was told to stay awake to it.. not to turn away or go more deeply…but to be curious.  I tried but still I find that it was hard to be curious when there is a voice saying it didn’t matter.  And then there has been more loss…
In May.. My beloved father-in-law passed away.  He was a best friend to me.   Bob and Doug and I had traveled together for the last 12 or so years.  He was 90 and on the one hand I see that his death was part of great turning.  His very sweet and gentle soul joined the all that is.  And I am aware that with his death came a shift in the patterns of family.  Those same patterns had shifted two years ago when my sister and brother-in-law died.  It is hard to describe the feeling I have of experiencing the absence of these family members older than myself who were part of that older circle.  It is different when it is your generation that is leaving.  Perhaps that was why I found it hard to get through this mist all around me.
Yet today I write because I feel a little better.  I have been going to many meditation retreats and it has been a good thing for my soul to be held that way.  To be in community that is in service to knowing a deeper and sacred truth.  I feel I am on the edge of a knowing.  I feel a little apprehension when I write that as though I am somehow signing up to be expected to know something.
The other morning I was waking up and looked over from my bed.  The picture of Doug and I across the room had the light shining on it.  Doug’s image was not to be seen as he was in the light.  My image is alone and a book by my teacher A. H. Almaas underneath reads  “The Unfolding Now”

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20 thoughts on “Unfolding Now

  1. Thank you Walker. I think of you. Your sharing is a teacher.

    Thank you for your vulnerability and awareness.

    Much love to you,

    Diane Hayes Mentor Coach with PBC

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  2. What an amazing image, Walker! A message from beyond that Doug is in the light, and you are still embodied as your beautiful self. One more confirmation that the world of “all that is” is so close and in communication with us. Thanks.

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  3. Walker, thank you for sharing so honestly about what must be so hard. It is a gift to us all. May you move ever closer to peace in your heart, spirit and soul.

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  4. Thanks Walker I have followed all your posts with Doug since he got sick and passed. I feel such gratitude for these beautiful personal insights. Now life has brought deep grief for me too with the loss of my mother and dearly loved sister at age 60 of cancer this past two months. Reading your post this morning has brought welcome tears to my eyes as I have found it difficult to overtly express such deep inner turmoil. Sending love and light. 🌻

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  5. Dear Walker thank you for sharing these simple, deep feelings coming from your soul.LIfe will take care of you .
    Love Helene

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  6. Thank you, Walker, for sharing your journey. I am pleased to hear of your recovery, and I lament the passing of your father-in-law. Last week I was in western Montana and biked from Red Lodge to Beartooth Pass and back. It was my first time in the Beartooths, and I spent a good part of the ride recalling my time with Doug. He was along for the ride. I believe the Beartooths were one of his favorite places on earth. Now I have a better understanding of why. Peace be with you.

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    1. Yes.. Doug thought of the Beartooths as a spiritual home. He went there many times. I have a fond memory of playing Hummock tag with the kids..jumping from one to the other. Bob and Ann were with us then also. It is a lovely place.

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  7. Dear Walker –
    Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing around the absence of those dear to you, and to being with what is, staying curious, and paying attention to both the wisdom within/of the body and that available in the environment (death as “a part of the great turning”, the light on the photo, the image revealed, what is unfolding now). You and your writing are such a reminder to all of us of the importance of presence, and your journey has been helpful to me in that way and in how you are navigating the loss of beloveds.
    With gratitude and blessings as you continue to attend to and navigate what is unfolding now – Tina

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  8. Thank You for sharing the depths of emotion as you walk this path. It matters that we have guides for our experience of grief and depression. It matters that we allow our partners to leave the floor while we continue the dance. Your words matter more than you know! Love to your heart… and sweet memories this day.
    With Love,DJ

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  9. Dear Walker,
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey. For me, your openness, honesty and love-infused insights are a gift and road map for facing loss during this aging process. Your spirit and grace are a timely beacon of light.
    With love and gratitude,
    Sue Wilson

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  10. Walker,

    We only met that one time in June 2018 with Bebe and Lisa Eby but between that and this blog I feel like i know you and care very much about your journey. Thank you for sharing that, and know that there is an ocean of love flowing to you, over you and through you. It might not feel that way right now, but perhaps there is some solace in knowing it’s there.

    I was at Bend of Ivy recently – the first time since Doug passed. It was bittersweet to say the least. He is greatly missed.

    Sending love,

    Mark

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  11. Dear Walker…What a journey. Your photo is most beautiful and speaks so many words.
    Thanks you for sharing your presence and wisdom…Love to you

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  12. Thank you for this beautiful and honest post. I so appreciate the profound ripples that you cast out for all of us on our collective journey. You, Doug and your family are in my thoughts 💚
    “The grief had moved through me and led to a sweetness of having loved.”

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  13. Dear Walker, what a beautiful tender articulation of the subtle shifts in the movement through the bardo of grief and loss into the murky territory of becoming. Deep bow to your wisdom and grace. Thank for sharing and showing us what is possible.

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  14. That photograph is so powerful. And your words, about the mist, and the older circle. My siblings are much older than I and I know that at some point I will be experiencing that change in family structure. These words are so very helpful to me. Your courage in being with emotions that are so difficult and sharing the experience of it is deeply moving. I believe you are helping so many people and I wish you light through the mist, health, and hopefulness.

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  15. Thank you to all of you who read this post and send your lovely kind words my way. I once read that most people think that you should be over grief in three months. It was that misperception that made me want to continue sharing. That and the healing to my own soul in writing and receiving the caring from all of your open hearts.

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  16. Dear Walker, I am late to check in here although I have held you and your family in my heart and mind all these many months. I am sad to learn of all the losses of those close to you. Your words are powerful, authentic, and intimate. I am deeply moved by your grief and inspired by your courage in expressing it. Janet

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