Cocoon of Grief

I was asked,”What will you do now?”
I had not yet scattered his ashes.
Echos of his eulogy were still in the air.
“I don’t know” I said,
“I am in utero right now.”

Later, I realized I wasn’t in utero.
That is a place of creation.
I was more in a cocoon
where death is happening.

Grief has wrapped her strands around me.
Part of me that I once knew as me
are slowly and unwillingly
giving themselves up into the darkness..
not knowing what will come next.

I recently pulled out a card
to be sent to a friend.
Instead it was to me.
Sitting in the box with the unused cards.

“Thank you”, It said on the front with
two butterflies reaching toward the other.
I opened it.
“for being my beloved life partner,
wife, best friend, lover,
co-learner, and adventure mate.

……..I am grateful beyond words.
I love you,
Doug”

These parts of me
loved and nurtured by my partner
are what are dissolving now.
His human heart shepherded mine
and I his
towards a larger love.

I am in the swirl of darkness
not looking towards memories or future.
Just letting the darkness take me.

Not yet seeing the nascent light
from imaginal cells
though they are here also.

But for now,
I wait in the darkness
threads of grief
holding me.

walker silsbee

IMG_8765A.jpeg

“I recently found this cocoon on the front of our house..A companion to cocoon with.

15 thoughts on “Cocoon of Grief

  1. Walker, your grief and love go out from you and find me here.
    A blessing for you:
    “May the long time sun shine upon you. All love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way home.”

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  2. I can see Doug writing that card and tucking it away knowing that one day you would find it. It gave him joy to leave it. What a gift.
    Your poem speaks to many kinds of deaths we are all facing. Thank you. From my cocoon to yours. Much love.

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  3. Having lost my beloved over two years ago, my mantra was ‘no big decisions for a year’ . It was important in my process to retreat into my cave. I emerged slowly for personal retreats such as Kirpalu with David Kessler- not that I wanted to but rather to know I could leave and come back to my cave.
    Inhale- exhale- repeat…. that’s enough-

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  4. Warmest greetings dearest Walker, I so appreciate your sharing. Like Doug, you so open heartedly show the way. My heart aches for you & holds space for the deep grief and deeper love. Coleen

    On Sat, Sep 29, 2018 at 8:21 PM Let Life Live Through You wrote:

    > Walker Silsbee posted: ” I was asked,”What will you do now?” I had not yet > scattered his ashes. Echos of his eulogy were still in the air. “I don’t > know” I said, “I am in utero right now.” Later, I realized I wasn’t in > utero. That is a place of creation. I was more in a cocoo” >

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  5. I love you walker .. you are amazing .. take one day at a time .. let all around you surround you with thier love and caring .. you have been the mountain of strength as was Doug through all this .. when one sees you .. they see Doug for he lives on thru you and your family .. You will go on .. you will hold your head high and carry on living your life as Doug would want you to..You will find something to honor him ,for you will always feel his presence with you a love that very few has experienced.. you were so blessed .. I know you must feel so lost ,so in a fog not quite believing it .. you were so prepared .. but when it happened and he spread his wings to fly off to the unknown alone ..one never truly is prepared .. we all grieve differently .. grieve , cry , be angry ,and have your quiet times to reminisce .. life will never be the same ..it will always be different with that huge aching hole in your heart .. that you just think you will never be able to bear ..but you will go on .. you are so strong .. you will find a way thru this everyday mist and come out into the sunshine .. take all the time you need .. and just know you have so many that are so proud of you and loving you and sending you the strength to break thru that cocoon and reach for the sunshine .. love you dear Walker .. the world needs you well .. the world needs you ..

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  6. Abiding with you, quietly beside the soil of you, the seed of you in the fecund soil, minding its own sense of divine timing about everything and no-thing … All love and blessings continue to surround you. xox Debra and Joey

    >

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  7. Thinking of you, Walker, in your cocoon. You can stay in it as long as you need to. Eventually, a little light will pierce through, and you will begin to emerge. You will never be the same, but you will be something new and beautiful, with all that Doug gave to you inside you.

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  8. Dear Walker,

    This morning I sat in my Quaker Meeting…an hour of silence, meditation, together. I had your Cocoon in my mind and I sat with you there for a bless-ed time. I thank you, deeply, Walker, as you continue to walk us all through a potential that does not often get shared…a potential for grace and patience and attention. I thank you.

    In quietness,

    Anne Klaus (Graduate of Presence-based Coaching) Conscious Web Design Goal Champion, LLC

    (443) 562-4922 cell anneklaus789@gmail.com

    #riseuplocal

    >

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  9. Walker, although we don’t know each other, please know this … I am continuing to keep you and your family in my prayers. Just prior to your post, I was praying for you to receive the peace that surpasses understanding through this difficult time of darkness that is really beyond words …

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  10. Feeling a warmth and bittersweetness as I read your poem, Walker. Warmth from the sense I get of the depths of the love you shared with Doug. And bittersweet for the pain that is here, as beauty disappears from its usual form.

    Love to you and yours.
    Baljit Singh

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